I'm not but breathing... but you just stare at me sweetly suffering...

MY MESSAGES ARENT WORKING I READ 1/2 ofTHE MESSAGE AND THEN IT JUST SAID SORRY!!!! PLEASE I HOPE YOU GET THIS MY MSN IS KACYKITTY7777@AOL.COM

I had the urge to write a song so I did... these words just spilled out... like i dont know what...i just felt like i needed someones opinion...so here you go...its a lot of stuff piled in one so its kinda confzzlin

 

How I wish I was meaningful

That I really mattered

But I don’t

And its not like that will change

 

People screaming around me

Crying out in pain

How I wish I could help them

But im so afraid

Everyone’s dying around me

Being swallowed by the flames

Of the ghost unfinished

 

I used to think my bleeding

Was a serious problem

But when I started believing

I was suddenly healed and its since been gone

 

So why am I broken inside?

Why am I swimming in hate?

My heart is going to die

And Im still stuck in this cage

 

Suffocation isn’t the issue anymore

Just let met leave my body on the floor

My blood is not the case

And now my life has been erased…

 

Today I took a walk just to look around aee if any new houses were going up, and if I might want to take a peek in one. I run intot two girl I recognize from going to my old school. I stopped, and they were really curios to what I was doing, so we sat down and camped out on the side walk, just filling me in on the past years gossip. i had never been freinds witht hem, i only knew their names, and this year my friends seemed to not like them alot, but hey, I was only being freindly. The last time I'd seen them, I was younger Hope, the me who hated black and always wore pink...I've come a long way since then, and people seem to accept me or leave me alone. Not today... One of them received a phone call saying to immediately come home. So I got up smiling, and I hugged one, this hug was so sincere and full of love, not a romantic thing just a freindly thing, I had the biggest smile on my face because I had made a freind. But suddenly it felt wrong, the girl un-did my bra with just a snap of her fingers. I pulled back but it was two late, they got on either side of me and started to pull one let go once my arm was out and it scrapped me because i was trying toescape. The other pulled it out from my shirt and ran off screaming and laughing "I got EMO-Hopes bra!" Tears began to well in my eyes, I turned around to face the other  to let her see I was hurt, let her see what she had caused hoping to cause guilt. But once I turned she took a step up to me, smiled and slapped me. I turned away, the pain drilling in my cheek. Then suddenly the most painful kick I've ever felt, occured. My knees bent, as I staggered to stay standing, though I was winded, then I was pushed to the ground, where the impact scraped my kneecap's skin off. She ran off laughing. I couldn't breathe. I got up after crying and walked home looking like trash. I'm not allowed to leave the house now. My mom thinks O've been raped, I came in gasping and she asked me what happened and why I didn't have a bra on, because I had left with one, and I was crying. I refuse to tell her what happened, and I'll never speak the names of those girls again. i've never expirienced anything that hateful. I'm not emo, I dont label myself, but i feel your pain to all the emos out there... it's been a few hours and I'm stinll mentally winded from how horrible that was. I've never been treated so badly. Today was bad.

Im sorry for whatever I said... damnit! i talk just as much sitting down as do i do standing up...

I've been worried about YOU for fuckin months (yeh i can say fuck again... shut the fuck up() and this is what I get... I'm tired of waiting for you...where have you been? I suspect you're dead..not like I wasn't expecting it...You have no idea what I've been through every night just hoping your alive, and my freinds wonder why I can't sleep. I put so much effort into this and you disappear your a liar...you'll get whats coming to you...I've lost all hope and people wonder why I wish I could change my name. Your dead to me.I never want to see or speak to you again. shut up and leave. I'm so broken right now I could laugh at myself...its really pathetic what you've gotten me into. Goodbye from now until the 777th of forever.

 

You're dead to me.

Okay first off no commenting on this because im not gonna read them because I haven't laid down the law quite yet and once i do...some stupid little bastard will go on and do exactly as i said not too, hence why im going to try not to get on for like 2 days even though I just got back from camp...sorry you're loved...

 

THE MOTHERFUCKIN LAW!!!!!!!(is being laid...(ew that sounds so gross...but anyways)):

 

IM a HARRY POTTER FREAK AND YOU KNOW WHAT IM NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS SO DONT ASK!!!! DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK OR COMMENT BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA READ IT!!!!! I DONT CARE IF HE LIVES OR DIES...HOWEVER IF HE DIES I MIGHT DIE...AND IF RON DIES IM GONNA SHOOT MYSELF...SO DONT TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THERE ARE ANY NOTES OR MESSAGES REGARDING THIS IN THE NEXT FEW HOPURS WHILE IM CHECKING MY MAIL....YOU'LL BE DELETED... SO SCREW YOU!!!! THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW DONT TELL....THIS WORLD IS NOT SUFFERING OF ILLETERACY, JUST A BUNCH OF LAZY IDIOTS WHO SPEND 3 HOURS IN THE MORNING DOING THEIR HAIR THEN EAT THE WORLD ON THEIR COUCH AND CRY THEIR EYES OUT WHILE THEY THROW IT UP TO A HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS SONG....THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

 

I love you all so much. I've missed you...*hugs&kisses!!!* *muah*

 

~hopeLESS!!

Part 4

I could feel air being forced into my lungs through my mouth, and my chest painfully being beaten into the ground, rhythmically I felt the air and being beaten, slowly my surrounding came back and it became more painful, I could hear Missy shouting numbers.

 

“Come on Hope!” Bam would say.

 

I felt missy begin to put light pressure on my chest as she proceeded to push into my chest again.

 

“No no, stop! I think…I think…she is..SHE’S BREATHING, Shallowly.” Ville said.

 

The air entered my lungs, but I finally could breath out, on my own, breathing in was the hard part, as I hadn’t fully caught the breath that had been forced into me. Again and again it came.

 

“She’s  alive?” I heard Bam ask.

 

“Yes.” I croaked.

 

“Love! Love! Hope! Wake up!” Ville shouted.

 

I could feel it all leaving again, my life. Luckily the breath forced into my lungs came back, over and over. Finally it stopped and I started to breathe again, I could feel myself being rolled on my side. CPR was one of the most painful experiences of my life, my chest was on fire.

 

“You’re going to be okay.” Bam said.

 

“Fine whatever I believe you, its just I won’t if you tell me I’m still bleeding.” I said.

 

“No!” Ville shouted.

 

“Shit!” Bam screamed.

 

“Hurry!” Ville Screamed.

 

“Missy!” Bam said.

 

“No stop!” I screamed.

 

“No love! We’ve got to save you!” Ville said.

 

“No!” I screamed.

 

“Listen…” Ville said.

 

“No you listen!” I screamed. “I’m going to die, what you’ve been through to kepp me alive has been horrifying to watch! You must save yourselves. I’ve lived a fully good life, I’ve been to a concert, ridden horses for the better part of my life, been through a few presidents, it doesn’t matter. I can’t live happily anymore, I’ve lost so much blood, just let me go out, please, you both have been my heroes, now even more so, I know its hard. I’ve been practically kissed by one of my favorite rockstars, I’m good. Just let me go.” I begged.

 

“No!” Ville screamed.

 

Bam tried to calm as he reached for him. I was ready just as I started to close my eyes, but then I saw a man running at Ville with a knife. An adrenaline rush hit me. I jumped up and attacked him as hegrabbed Ville. It came and left, somehow we ended up in the pool, and sooner or later I was dragging Ville’s limp body to the side where Bam helped me get him out, for some unknown reason Missy wasn’t there.

 

“Ville! Wake up.” I said.

 

He wouldn’t wake, and he wasn’t breathing. I gave him mouth to mouth, still nothing. I didn’t think I’d have the strength to give him CPR, But I tired.

 

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11, 12, 13, 14, 15.” I said.

 

I continued mouth to mouth, I sat up to give him more CPR, but Monica, a long time friend showed up and did CPR while I did mouth to mouth. It was a bit disturbing, living my dream, my mouth over his, but it was somewhat different, he really was dead, and I had no idea if he was coming back.

 

I fell over as he puked, thank god it missed me. Monica rushed over to me.

 

“Hope! Hope! Please don’t die!” She said shaking me.

 

“I’m not dead yet, Love. Simmer down, I’m bleeding real bad, can you help me?” I asked gasping.

 

“Yeah! We’ll have you both out, hang on.” She said.

 

“Thanks.” I said before loosing consciousness.

Part 3

 

“Lovely name.” I heard Ville say.

 

Suddenly a very uninviting energy entered the room, a hard blow came to my head, the pressure on my side stayed, I realized Missy was going to get killed for this.

 

“STOP!” I heard Ville scream.

 

“Ow!” Missy yelped.

 

“Missy!” Bam cried.

 

I knew something horrible was taking place above my eyelids. I kicked missy, I’m already dying, she can’t die over me. I heard her yelp from my winding kick, suddenly the pressure was gone, I could feel the blood spilling. Ville gasped, I heard a painful smack from his direction, followed by a thud. I tried to move, but nothing happened.

“MISSY! STAY HERE!” I heard Bam yell.

 

“You killed him didn’t you!”  A cold voice screamed. “Then I kill her, take your pick, long sexy legs over there or little miss bloody Mary over here.” He said. My head was yanked from the ground, and the sinister cool contact of a gun to my head became apparent.

 

“No.” Ville gasped.

 

“Put her down.” Bam said.

 

“Okay.” He said the gun left my head and I opened my eyes.

 

There over in a corner lay missy, on her side watching, Bam standing calmy as Ville lay in a similar position as missy ½ way behind me, and the gun pointing directly at Missy.

 

“Bye Sugar.” He said malisioucly.

 

“NO!” Ville and Bam said together.

 

“NO!” I said.

 

“What sweetie, you don’t want mama whore over there to die, do you want to die?” He asked atrociously sweetly.

 

“In her place,” I said, “yes.”

 

“OKAY!” He said as it came back to my head. “1…2…”

 

Suddenly I went completely numb, nothing was there anymore all gone, I couldn’t think, couldn’t hear, couldn’t move; I was dead, and I knew it.

Part Two

 

I started gasping as I realized it was still pouring out of me, the pain was unbearable in my head, just thinking about how it felt, but I barely recall it now, and I’m not sure if it was as painful then, whatever I began to hyperventilate and fell backwards wanting to die, but Ville’s hand caught my head.

 

“Love, we don’t know where it came from, or how fresh it is. Your shirt isn’t blood soaked so therefore it must have been stabbed under your shirt, or there’s something your not telling us, because its relatively fresh I mean lo-…”

 

Missy gave Ville a look, and Bam nudged him, telling him he was going to in-to-detail on the current status of the situation.

 

“You’re going to be okay.” Bam said.

 

“I know, but that wasn’t there, where’d it come from? Who would do that?” I asked laughing yet crying.

 

“Self defense, you realize you killed him…right?” Ville said.

 

“W-... huh…w-… what?” I stuttered.

“You did with good reason.” Ville said, “what he did was wrong.”

 

“Yeah, but that’s the thing, I don’t remember why I was that mad or…” I was cut off by myself suddenly being thrashed around the room I gasped and threw up, and realized I had never left the ground. I looked and realized that I had just thrown up blood.  “Oh my god.” I said as I fell backwards, and out of mind.

 

“You think she’ll make it?” I heard Bam ask.

 

“Oh please try to be a bit less optimistic.” I said opening my eyes, “at least when I can hear you.” Missy elbowed bam, taking a look at my gash.

 

“You’re doing better.” She said smiling.

 

“Look I don’t mean to cut your act short or anything, but I think we all know unless I get some medical attention soon, I’m gone, I’ve seen “Grey’s Anatomy” I own the first season, trust me, I understand statistics and the likelihood of living so long after this much blood loss, shut up, cut the crap, and lets start being realistic.”

 

“Now look what you’ve done… she’s lost hope…” Ville said.

 

“I can’t.” I said quietly almost breaking into tears.

 

“What?” Ville asked quietly.

 

“I can’t loose hope, at the end of the day after you’ve lost everything, the only thing you can want, is the hope you’ll get out, I am Hope, and I don’t plan on loosing myself anytime soon, howdy my name is Hope Mizelle, nice to meet you.”

Okay...sorry for the journal, couldnt post in the forum...im stupid, and the thinking switch is in the off posistion for the summer...

So I Went over night crazy over "In regards to Myself" I heard the songa few weeks ago, and the way I heard it was different from before, I was having some pretty morbid thoughts, that shouldn't nessicarily cross ones mind at the rate they were crossing mine, somehow life had no meaning, and when i get depressed I like screamo music, and Underoath is not the band I normally go to for the scream fix, I usually head in the I killed the prom Queen direction, but hey it was an impulsive decision that probably changed my life. I listened to the song over and over. Re-read an article from an old sub-stream, and unlike taking the easy way out and downloading the album (Okay...so maybe I would have but my internet was shut off... (i go to a boarding school (yes they actaully exist)(no im not a fugitive of the law...lol))(and yes teachers have the power to do that...sadly) so as the year came to a close and I took a trip to the mall on my underoath crazy mindset, and I found the album, bought it and had it immediately put into my ipod.

Beutiful photography. The CD is amazing. seeing as though I just heard them this year and ive only heard snipits of chasing safety tracks, I cannot compare it to any of their previous albums. They are by far one of the most amazing bands I have in my collection right now, its just the feeling I get when I listen to it, I've neverhad it like this before. I absolutely love it. I haven't bought but like 10 cd's this year, while some people buy like 70 (or download the equal value) my favorite song is track two is a moment suspended in time, lyrics stick out and its just AH-mazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I highly recomend it!

 

“No you can’t! You’re going to kill her!” I heard a familiar voice yelling.

 

I woke up dazed and confused more than anything, I remember fighting and fighting but I just couldn’t, and breathing just became a waste of time, the last thought that went through my head was Im not going to make it. But I had made it, I had no idea where I was, but I felt a sinister feeling crawling up my spine, My eyes opened. The aggressive side of me awoke, a side I rarely show, I was mad, and I had no idea why. I rolled over quickly dodging an abject that was clearly aimedat me. I stood up and my movements changed, I was no longer walking, I was prowling, going around in a circle in the porcelin whit room with a big dark pool in the center. Figures scattered the area, No faces I paid much attention too, just his. The world was blurred, for some unknown motive, I wanted to kill this guy, I wanted to rip his throat out.

 

“HOW DARE YOU!!!!!”I screamed over and over. So much so after a few minutes I couldn’t say anything anymore.

 

The same voice rang out behind me “Love! Don’t! STOP! Your going to…”

 

Suddenly I jumped, at the figure that threw the chair at me. Somehow we landed in the water. The fight began, I barely got one breath of air before he started to push me under, I realized I was drowning, I grasped all around me, I reached into his pocket, a coo heacy metal object slipped through my fingers, I grabbed it, and felt it, I pulled what felt like a trigger, and suddenly, my opponent stopped moving. I freed myself and struggled to find the surface, finally my head broke the surface. I started to sink, out of my confusion and exhaustion.

 

“Its okay, I got you, shhh, calm down.” The same gentle voice said. The energy was gone as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to the edge. I was lifted out of the water as I sputtered and passed out from exhaustion. I could hear them.

 

“She gonna be okay?” Another farmilliar voice asked

 

“Shes breathing, fast, shes tired…I think she strangled him.” The first voice said.

 

“She killed him?” A third voice said.

 

“He hasn’t come up yet now has he?” The second voice replied snidely.

 

“Well. I don’t know, people can hold their breath forever.” The third voice said, I could tell it was a she.

 

I started to Open my eyes and sputter up more, my attitude calmed and I thought I was relatively sane enough to gather my thoughts, how I got here, never crossed my mind, and even when it was explained to me later, I still didn’t and to this day don’t remember how I got to that white room.

 

I groaned, and moaned, and finally croaked a few words, “How ya’ll doin’?”

 

A few snickers and giggles were heard “You okay?” The first voice asked.

 

“Yes, simply fantastic.” I said sitting up.

 

To my surprise gathered around me were, Ville, Bam and Missy. I shook my head, and still thinking maybe I wasn’t totally sane, I touched all their faces, suddenly I realized they were seriously real. I screamed and fell back down.

 

“Love!” Ville asked putting his hands on my shoulder, ready to shake me.

 

“Yes! Im fine, that was just the most embarrassing moment of my life, sorry for touching your faces…I thought I was dead…maybe I am…” I said partially laughing, covering my face.

 

“Its okay, don’t throw yourself around though, you’ve got…You’ll be okay…” He said.

 

I opened my eyes and starred at him, tears beginning to run down my face, as I looked at my side, a pool of  blood spilled from the drenched red rag Missy was holding to my side.

 

“What is that?” I asked.

Hey Kids!

Schools out. Im back. Lets talk!

Im sure most of you are wondering where ive been, or just trying to look at my pathetic excuse for a reason to talk about absolutely nothing...

I've fallen off a horse this year which brings me to 6 times falling off... that i can remember...

Ive done 3 plays

Had one solo in a song...

this year has gone by so fast I dont know whats going on! Youre all amazing... and i never want to open my mailbox again with titles like IM GONNA DIE! Im leaving!

You cant!

I love you all too much!

Found the love of my life...

Went to TOC

Bought two cd's

Im flat broke!

Well I love you!

you dont know what its like to be this alone

to shout into the disance

but no one answers

that im falling but no one will catch me...

will you catch me?

will you care?

Im staring at you, but we both know that you arent there....

you never have been...and never will...

all the while im standing still...

wwanting waiting...

but you'll never come...

i dont exist...

i'm all alone...

nowhere...

no one is there..

Hey kids!!!

Im so sorry...but my time is up! I have to go back toschool again! see you on certain weekends and this summer muah!

 

much love~hopeLESS

Ok so im watching underoath and the used vids on yutube, and then i see 30 seconds to mars is on fuse so you i watch them and then yay! the used's loaded comes on so im really excited because as of two hours ago they became my favorite band. and then the satilite shuts off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what the hellsinki???????????/

Isn't i funny how we all are looking for something...all of us, it doesn't matter who we are...we're all intensely searhing for something...

a way out...

a way in...

to love...

to be loved...

a reason to live...

a reason not to...

All of us...everyday...we search or we die...

but what do we do when we find....what we wanted to find...if its what we wanted is it what we needed...

i've fallen a long way down, but i know what i want...what i may or may not get... but im still fallen...ve got nothing left to hold nto...no one...i have no boundaries anymore... yet  i haven't taken the bait yet...i haven't thrown in he towel...though its a hopeless case bu ti dont ive up like that...im falling through time and space...im dying! Im a hopeless case! save me please! its all want...its all thought...theres no use for breathing but i continue to do so... i cant fight...but i do.... why? i ask myself the same question every morning!!! WHY???? LOCKED IN LOVE BOUND BY HATE AS TEARS OF BLOOD STREAM DOWN MY FACE

 

hello people ive been so any places I cant tell you all about it, but im on spring break, so if you have problems...im dying to solve them,dr. phil has been out of practice too long..

i dyed my hair...if you dont like it...

i dont like you.

shut up.

just kidding...

but i did dye my hair

our new band name is peak destruction point...

I like it...

im going to taste of chaos tomarrow...

*runs around like a tyson ritter crazed teeny (which im not)*

jared letto is so hot!

and im going with one of my bestest buds spencerluvr1!!!!!!!!!!!

whootie!

Hey everyone!

You have been awesome for these past two weeks...but im not going to be on buzznet for a while... until dec 15 or 16th! Sorry but school you know... I will miss you, feel free to leave me messages and what not... ill reply to EVERYTHING! I can't wait till then!

By the way you've been SO SUPPORTIVE of the band (bloodredtears) so far, I think a good bit of you have added us and I just want to thank ALL of you! You guyes are great and I love you all!

Im going to miss you so much! Ill be back though I promise!

><>~Hope~<><

One day…

 

When you least expect it…you’ll need me…

 

I’ll be there for you.

 

When you’re crying…and need someone to cry with and comfort you…

 

I’ll be there, crying with you on my shoulder, comforting you.

 

When you are lost…and need someone to find you…

 

I’ll find you, and help you find your way home.

 

When you world spirals down into darkness…and you need someone to

bring back the light…

 

I’ll bring back the light, and make sure your world never gets that dark again.

 

When everyone turns their back on you and locks you out… and you need

someone to let you in…

 

I’ll let you in and never turn my back on you.

 

When you’re falling…and need someone to catch you….

 

I’ll catch you…I promise.

 

One day…

 

When I least expect it…I’ll need you…

 

Will you be here for me?

 

When I’m crying…and need someone to cry with and comfort me…

 

Will you be there with me on your shoulder, crying with and comforting me?

 

When I’m lost… and need someone to find me…

 

Will you find me and help me find my way home?

 

When my world spirals down into darkness… and I need someone to

bring back the light…

 

Will you bring back the light, and make sure my world never gets that dark again?

 

When everyone turns their back on me and locks me out…and I need someone to let me in…

 

Will you let me in and never turn your back on me?

 

When I’m falling…and need someone to catch me…

 

Will you catch me? Can you promise?

 

 

I don’t care if you answered these or not…I will always be here when you need me. Even if you just need someone to talk too. I will always be here for you, don’t you ever forget it. But if you simply must answer the questions (with no as every answer) leave me a comment, or if you’re privacy paranoid, or you just want me to know, send me a message.

Hey ya'll sorry i haven't been on in forever...it may be a while again, but I'll try super hard! Im at boarding school and yeh... this is sort of belated and out of date, but good bye, and now hello!