Iluvnickwheeler's Journals

HUMPHREY!!!! i hope you read this!!!!

MY MESSAGES ARENT WORKING I READ 1/2 ofTHE MESSAGE AND THEN IT JUST SAID SORRY!!!! PLEASE I HOPE YOU GET THIS MY MSN IS KACYKITTY7777@AOL.COM

a song i wrote in under 3 minutes...

I had the urge to write a song so I did... these words just spilled out... like i dont know what...i just felt like i needed someones opinion...so here you go...its a lot of stuff piled in one so its kinda confzzlin

How I wish I was meaningful

That I really mattered

But I donâ�™t

And its not like that will change

People screaming around me

Crying out in pain

How I wish I could help them

But im so afraid

Everyoneâ�™s dying around me

Being swallowed by the flames

Of the ghost unfinished

I used to think my bleeding

Was a serious problem

But when I started believing

I was suddenly healed and its since been gone

So why am I broken inside?

Why am I swimming in hate?

My heart is going to die

And Im still stuck in this cage

Suffocation isnâ�™t the issue anymore

Just let met leave my body on the floor

My blood is not the case

And now my life has been erasedâ�¦

Today was a bad day.

Today I took a walk just to look around aee if any new houses were going up, and if I might want to take a peek in one. I run intot two girl I recognize from going to my old school. I stopped, and they were really curios to what I was doing, so we sat down and camped out on the side walk, just filling me in on the past years gossip. i had never been freinds witht hem, i only knew their names, and this year my friends seemed to not like them alot, but hey, I was only being freindly. The last time I'd seen them, I was younger Hope, the me who hated black and always wore pink...I've come a long way since then, and people seem to accept me or leave me alone. Not today... One of them received a phone call saying to immediately come home. So I got up smiling, and I hugged one, this hug was so sincere and full of love, not a romantic thing just a freindly thing, I had the biggest smile on my face because I had made a freind. But suddenly it felt wrong, the girl un-did my bra with just a snap of her fingers. I pulled back but it was two late, they got on either side of me and started to pull one let go once my arm was out and it scrapped me because i was trying toescape. The other pulled it out from my shirt and ran off screaming and laughing "I got EMO-Hopes bra!" Tears began to well in my eyes, I turned around to face the other to let her see I was hurt, let her see what she had caused hoping to cause guilt. But once I turned she took a step up to me, smiled and slapped me. I turned away, the pain drilling in my cheek. Then suddenly the most painful kick I've ever felt, occured. My knees bent, as I staggered to stay standing, though I was winded, then I was pushed to the ground, where the impact scraped my kneecap's skin off. She ran off laughing. I couldn't breathe. I got up after crying and walked home looking like trash. I'm not allowed to leave the house now. My mom thinks O've been raped, I came in gasping and she asked me what happened and why I didn't have a bra on, because I had left with one, and I was crying. I refuse to tell her what happened, and I'll never speak the names of those girls again. i've never expirienced anything that hateful. I'm not emo, I dont label myself, but i feel your pain to all the emos out there... it's been a few hours and I'm stinll mentally winded from how horrible that was. I've never been treated so badly. Today was bad.

To:Sober

Im sorry for whatever I said... damnit! i talk just as much sitting down as do i do standing up...

Where have yYOU! been?

I've been worried about YOU for fuckin months (yeh i can say fuck again... shut the fuck up() and this is what I get... I'm tired of waiting for you...where have you been? I suspect you're dead..not like I wasn't expecting it...You have no idea what I've been through every night just hoping your alive, and my freinds wonder why I can't sleep. I put so much effort into this and you disappear your a liar...you'll get whats coming to you...I've lost all hope and people wonder why I wish I could change my name. Your dead to me.I never want to see or speak to you again. shut up and leave. I'm so broken right now I could laugh at myself...its really pathetic what you've gotten me into. Goodbye from now until the 777th of forever.

You're dead to me.

Hey kids!

Okay first off no commenting on this because im not gonna read them because I haven't laid down the law quite yet and once i do...some stupid little bastard will go on and do exactly as i said not too, hence why im going to try not to get on for like 2 days even though I just got back from camp...sorry you're loved...

THE MOTHERFUCKIN LAW!!!!!!!(is being laid...(ew that sounds so gross...but anyways)):

IM a HARRY POTTER FREAK AND YOU KNOW WHAT IM NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS SO DONT ASK!!!! DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK OR COMMENT BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA READ IT!!!!! I DONT CARE IF HE LIVES OR DIES...HOWEVER IF HE DIES I MIGHT DIE...AND IF RON DIES IM GONNA SHOOT MYSELF...SO DONT TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THERE ARE ANY NOTES OR MESSAGES REGARDING THIS IN THE NEXT FEW HOPURS WHILE IM CHECKING MY MAIL....YOU'LL BE DELETED... SO SCREW YOU!!!! THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW DONT TELL....THIS WORLD IS NOT SUFFERING OF ILLETERACY, JUST A BUNCH OF LAZY IDIOTS WHO SPEND 3 HOURS IN THE MORNING DOING THEIR HAIR THEN EAT THE WORLD ON THEIR COUCH AND CRY THEIR EYES OUT WHILE THEY THROW IT UP TO A HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS SONG....THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

I love you all so much. I've missed you...*hugs&kisses!!!* *muah*

~hopeLESS!!

Part 4:iNTRODUCTION TO NEW CHARACTER!

Part 4

I could feel air being forced into my lungs through my mouth, and my chest painfully being beaten into the ground, rhythmically I felt the air and being beaten, slowly my surrounding came back and it became more painful, I could hear Missy shouting numbers.

â�œCome on Hope!â� Bam would say.

I felt missy begin to put light pressure on my chest as she proceeded to push into my chest again.

â�œNo no, stop! I thinkâ�¦I thinkâ�¦she is..SHEâ�™S BREATHING, Shallowly.â� Ville said.

The air entered my lungs, but I finally could breath out, on my own, breathing in was the hard part, as I hadnâ�™t fully caught the breath that had been forced into me. Again and again it came.

â�œSheâ�™s alive?â� I heard Bam ask.

â�œYes.â� I croaked.

â�œLove! Love! Hope! Wake up!â� Ville shouted.

I could feel it all leaving again, my life. Luckily the breath forced into my lungs came back, over and over. Finally it stopped and I started to breathe again, I could feel myself being rolled on my side. CPR was one of the most painful experiences of my life, my chest was on fire.

â�œYouâ�™re going to be okay.â� Bam said.

â�œFine whatever I believe you, its just I wonâ�™t if you tell me Iâ�™m still bleeding.â� I said.

â�œNo!â� Ville shouted.

â�œShit!â� Bam screamed.

â�œHurry!â� Ville Screamed.

â�œMissy!â� Bam said.

â�œNo stop!â� I screamed.

â�œNo love! Weâ�™ve got to save you!â� Ville said.

â�œNo!â� I screamed.

â�œListenâ�¦â� Ville said.

â�œNo you listen!â� I screamed. â�œIâ�™m going to die, what youâ�™ve been through to kepp me alive has been horrifying to watch! You must save yourselves. Iâ�™ve lived a fully good life, Iâ�™ve been to a concert, ridden horses for the better part of my life, been through a few presidents, it doesnâ�™t matter. I canâ�™t live happily anymore, Iâ�™ve lost so much blood, just let me go out, please, you both have been my heroes, now even more so, I know its hard. Iâ�™ve been practically kissed by one of my favorite rockstars, Iâ�™m good. Just let me go.â� I begged.

â�œNo!â� Ville screamed.

Bam tried to calm as he reached for him. I was ready just as I started to close my eyes, but then I saw a man running at Ville with a knife. An adrenaline rush hit me. I jumped up and attacked him as hegrabbed Ville. It came and left, somehow we ended up in the pool, and sooner or later I was dragging Villeâ�™s limp body to the side where Bam helped me get him out, for some unknown reason Missy wasnâ�™t there.

â�œVille! Wake up.â� I said.

He wouldnâ�™t wake, and he wasnâ�™t breathing. I gave him mouth to mouth, still nothing. I didnâ�™t think Iâ�™d have the strength to give him CPR, But I tired.

â�œ1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11, 12, 13, 14, 15.â� I said.

I continued mouth to mouth, I sat up to give him more CPR, but Monica, a long time friend showed up and did CPR while I did mouth to mouth. It was a bit disturbing, living my dream, my mouth over his, but it was somewhat different, he really was dead, and I had no idea if he was coming back.

I fell over as he puked, thank god it missed me. Monica rushed over to me.

â�œHope! Hope! Please donâ�™t die!â� She said shaking me.

â�œIâ�™m not dead yet, Love. Simmer down, Iâ�™m bleeding real bad, can you help me?â� I asked gasping.

â�œYeah! Weâ�™ll have you both out, hang on.â� She said.

â�œThanks.â� I said before loosing consciousness.

Part 3

â�œLovely name.â� I heard Ville say.

Suddenly a very uninviting energy entered the room, a hard blow came to my head, the pressure on my side stayed, I realized Missy was going to get killed for this.

â�œSTOP!â� I heard Ville scream.

â�œOw!â� Missy yelped.

â�œMissy!â� Bam cried.

I knew something horrible was taking place above my eyelids. I kicked missy, Iâ�™m already dying, she canâ�™t die over me. I heard her yelp from my winding kick, suddenly the pressure was gone, I could feel the blood spilling. Ville gasped, I heard a painful smack from his direction, followed by a thud. I tried to move, but nothing happened.

â�œMISSY! STAY HERE!â� I heard Bam yell.

â�œYou killed him didnâ�™t you!â� A cold voice screamed. â�œThen I kill her, take your pick, long sexy legs over there or little miss bloody Mary over here.â� He said. My head was yanked from the ground, and the sinister cool contact of a gun to my head became apparent.

â�œNo.â� Ville gasped.

â�œPut her down.â� Bam said.

â�œOkay.â� He said the gun left my head and I opened my eyes.

There over in a corner lay missy, on her side watching, Bam standing calmy as Ville lay in a similar position as missy Â½ way behind me, and the gun pointing directly at Missy.

â�œBye Sugar.â� He said malisioucly.

â�œNO!â� Ville and Bam said together.

â�œNO!â� I said.

â�œWhat sweetie, you donâ�™t want mama whore over there to die, do you want to die?â� He asked atrociously sweetly.

â�œIn her place,â� I said, â�œyes.â�

â�œOKAY!â� He said as it came back to my head. â�œ1â�¦2â�¦â�

Suddenly I went completely numb, nothing was there anymore all gone, I couldnâ�™t think, couldnâ�™t hear, couldnâ�™t move; I was dead, and I knew it.

Part Two: New story

Part Two

I started gasping as I realized it was still pouring out of me, the pain was unbearable in my head, just thinking about how it felt, but I barely recall it now, and Iâ�™m not sure if it was as painful then, whatever I began to hyperventilate and fell backwards wanting to die, but Villeâ�™s hand caught my head.

â�œLove, we donâ�™t know where it came from, or how fresh it is. Your shirt isnâ�™t blood soaked so therefore it must have been stabbed under your shirt, or thereâ�™s something your not telling us, because its relatively fresh I mean lo-â�¦â�

Missy gave Ville a look, and Bam nudged him, telling him he was going to in-to-detail on the current status of the situation.

â�œYouâ�™re going to be okay.â� Bam said.

â�œI know, but that wasnâ�™t there, whereâ�™d it come from? Who would do that?â� I asked laughing yet crying.

â�œSelf defense, you realize you killed himâ�¦right?â� Ville said.

â�œW-... huhâ�¦w-â�¦ what?â� I stuttered.

â�œYou did with good reason.â� Ville said, â�œwhat he did was wrong.â�

â�œYeah, but thatâ�™s the thing, I donâ�™t remember why I was that mad orâ�¦â� I was cut off by myself suddenly being thrashed around the room I gasped and threw up, and realized I had never left the ground. I looked and realized that I had just thrown up blood. â�œOh my god.â� I said as I fell backwards, and out of mind.

â�œYou think sheâ�™ll make it?â� I heard Bam ask.

â�œOh please try to be a bit less optimistic.â� I said opening my eyes, â�œat least when I can hear you.â� Missy elbowed bam, taking a look at my gash.

â�œYouâ�™re doing better.â� She said smiling.

â�œLook I donâ�™t mean to cut your act short or anything, but I think we all know unless I get some medical attention soon, Iâ�™m gone, Iâ�™ve seen â�œGreyâ�™s Anatomyâ� I own the first season, trust me, I understand statistics and the likelihood of living so long after this much blood loss, shut up, cut the crap, and lets start being realistic.â�

â�œNow look what youâ�™ve doneâ�¦ sheâ�™s lost hopeâ�¦â� Ville said.

â�œI canâ�™t.â� I said quietly almost breaking into tears.

â�œWhat?â� Ville asked quietly.

â�œI canâ�™t loose hope, at the end of the day after youâ�™ve lost everything, the only thing you can want, is the hope youâ�™ll get out, I am Hope, and I donâ�™t plan on loosing myself anytime soon, howdy my name is Hope Mizelle, nice to meet you.â�

Reveiw:Define the Great Line-Underoath

Okay...sorry for the journal, couldnt post in the forum...im stupid, and the thinking switch is in the off posistion for the summer...

So I Went over night crazy over "In regards to Myself" I heard the songa few weeks ago, and the way I heard it was different from before, I was having some pretty morbid thoughts, that shouldn't nessicarily cross ones mind at the rate they were crossing mine, somehow life had no meaning, and when i get depressed I like screamo music, and Underoath is not the band I normally go to for the scream fix, I usually head in the I killed the prom Queen direction, but hey it was an impulsive decision that probably changed my life. I listened to the song over and over. Re-read an article from an old sub-stream, and unlike taking the easy way out and downloading the album (Okay...so maybe I would have but my internet was shut off... (i go to a boarding school (yes they actaully exist)(no im not a fugitive of the law...lol))(and yes teachers have the power to do that...sadly) so as the year came to a close and I took a trip to the mall on my underoath crazy mindset, and I found the album, bought it and had it immediately put into my ipod.

Beutiful photography. The CD is amazing. seeing as though I just heard them this year and ive only heard snipits of chasing safety tracks, I cannot compare it to any of their previous albums. They are by far one of the most amazing bands I have in my collection right now, its just the feeling I get when I listen to it, I've neverhad it like this before. I absolutely love it. I haven't bought but like 10 cd's this year, while some people buy like 70 (or download the equal value) my favorite song is track two is a moment suspended in time, lyrics stick out and its just AH-mazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I highly recomend it!